Red Flags: Non-Strangers
It can be difficult to acknowledge and resist an inappropriate stranger, it is even harder to accept when a non-stranger does the same thing. Non-stranger perpetrators exploit their familiarity with the target before attacking or trapping them in a cycle of abuse.
Abuse is any pattern of behavior or action that is used to harm, control, intimidate, or injure another person; it can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, or economic class. Even if abusive behavior occurs only once or twice, studies indicate that these incidents can lead to repeat offenses. Outside of behaviors shown to their target, a person with a history of red flag behaviors is likely to manifest these behaviors in their present relationships. If you detect non-stranger red flag behaviors early, you have a better chance to leave, avoid, or seek help before violence and/or abuse escalates.
Note that the variations, frequency, and intensity of red-flag behaviors differ from perpetrator to perpetrator; this does not invalidate anyone’s experience regardless if they encounter one, a few, or many signs. Red flag behaviors include, but are not limited to the following:
-
If anyone in your family or social circle expects, accepts and uses violence, you are in more danger than if they do not. Normalization of violence has a two-fold effect: it increases the likelihood of violence in your life while decreasing your likelihood of receiving support if you experience it.
• Uses or threatens physical violence on you, others or animals (e.g., hitting/slapping, strangling, grabbing, pushing, spitting, biting, hair-pulling)
• Expresses anger/frustration through yelling, breaking, or throwing things (even if they don’t hit anyone)
• Uses ultimatums, including threats or attempts of self-harm, to force compliance (e.g., “If you tell anyone about this, you’re going to pay”)
• Victim-blames (e.g., “If she didn’t stop nagging, he wouldn’t have hit her”, “She is asking for it by wearing that dress”)
-
Many non-stranger predators test their target’s boundaries before the assault. A person who disregards boundaries, is likely to escalate their behavior into unsafe situations.
• Forces or pressures you to nonconsensual sexual/physical contact or activity (e.g., unwanted hugs, massages, kisses)
• Makes degrading or unwanted comments about you
• Refuses to change or acknowledge their inappropriate behaviour (e.g., “It’s not a big deal”, “You’re overreacting”)
-
If anyone in your circle regularly breaks the law, you are likely to expose yourself to the threat of future violence from others, including law enforcement.
• Conducts or expresses interest in conducting illegal activities
• Associated with illegal entities
• Has a history with police encounters or a criminal record of violent behavior (e.g., assault, stalking)
-
Predators in a position of power (e.g. older relative, mentor, employer) can abuse their authority and resources to isolate their targets.
• Has complete control of your finances, work/job opportunities, and mobility (e.g., where you go and who you talk to)
• Manipulates your vulnerabilities (e.g., “I’m the only one who can help you so you better do what I say”)
-
Although alcohol and drugs do not cause violence, as many users are not violent when under the influence, the use of them can lower one’s inhibitions and increase the severity of violence.
• Coerces you into alcohol/drug use
• Violent behavior escalates after alcohol/drug use
-
Possessing firearms (legal or illegal) increases the chances of it being fired, whether accidental or intentional.
• Uses, threats or expresses interest in weapons to cause harm (e.g., “I wonder what it’s like to shoot someone”)
• Obsessive self-identification with weapons (e.g., “You’d have to kill me before I give up of my guns”)
• Idolizes violent figures in pop culture and history (e.g., serial killers, terrorists, mass shooters)
-
Along with the patterns above that can be found in any non-stranger, below are red flags that are potential signs of intimate partner violence:
• A history of violent/problematic relationships
• Describes their previous partners in negative terms (e.g., “My ex was a psycho”) without sharing their side of the story
• Toxic relationship with their own family, colleagues and/or has no friends
• Accelerates your relationship (e.g., talks of getting married/moving in together early into the relationship)
• Constantly jealous and possessive
• Unpredictable (e.g., personality shifts from kind and romantic to hostile and cold in seemingly random bursts)
DUE TO THE COMPLICATIONS AND RISK OF GREATER VIOLENCE AND ABUSE, TRAINED PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE MAY BE REQUIRED. FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE PROCEED TO SUPPORT SERVICES.
“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
M A Y A A N G E L O U
-
• Bancroft, Lundy. "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Penguin Random House LLC. 2002.
• Cory, Jill and Karen McAndless-Davis. “When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships.” New American Library. 2016.
• Jewkes, Rachel. "Intimate Partner Violence: Causes and Prevention." The Lancet, Vol. 359. 2002.
• Kearney, Monica S., and Karen M. O’Brien. "Is It Love or Is It Control? Assessing Warning Signs of Dating Violence." Journal of Interpersonal Violence. October 2018.
• Mattingly, Katy. “Self-Defense Steps to Survival: A Proven Plan for Personal Protection.” Human Kinetics. 2007.
• Miller, Rory. “Conflict Communication: A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication.” YMAA Publishing Centre. 2015.
• Murphy, Kylie A. “Partner Abuse Prevention Education: An Integrative Approach to Program Development and Evaluation.” Partner Abuse, Vol. 4. 2013.
• Peterson, Jillian and James Densley. “The Violence Project: How to Stop a Mass Shooting Epidemic.” Abrams. 2021.
• Warshaw, Robin. "I Never Called it Rape." Harper Perennial. 2019.
