Red Flags: Strangers
Contrary to popular belief, many violent incidents do not appear "out of nowhere" but escalate from a chain of behaviors and events. Potential predators can display specific signals (verbal, psychological, and physical) that hint at their intentions. Common red flag behaviors are divided into two sections, strangers and non-strangers. Just as predators have different strategies based on their intentions, the red flags of predators differ based on their relationship (or lack thereof) to their target.
Before you lose trust in all of humanity, a good rule of thumb is if a person does not display red flag behaviors or trigger your intuition, they are not (or less likely) a threat. However, when a person does exhibit red flags, pay attention and keep your distance.
Unless you isolate completely from the world, in-person interactions with strangers are a part of life. Some interactions with strangers, like working with clients or customers, are necessary but have established boundaries (e.g., discussions are limited to the job and do not include personal life). So how does one differentiate between a harmless or dangerous stranger? One way to reduce risk is to know what it looks like as the methods used to conceal intentions can reveal them:
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Forced interactions are those in which no relevant, justifiable reasons exist for a stranger to approach you. While forced interactions can be appropriate in certain contexts, such as introducing yourself to a new person at a party with the other person willing to engage, it becomes inappropriate when the approached person is in a vulnerable situation, such as approaching a woman alone in an isolated area. Predators rely on distracting their targets with these small interactions before they attack.
e.g., A stranger who forces themselves into your space, offers unsolicited help (or asks for your help), and refuses to leave even after being declined, may not have good intentions.
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"Charm" does not equal goodness, it is a strategy used to gain trust. A stranger who shares too many personal details within a short period of time is trying to build rapport and decrease your defensiveness by creating a "full" story of themselves (e.g., "We're not strangers anymore now that you know more about me.")
Predators weaponize charm to seduce, lure, or blackmail: they don't care if they tell the truth or lie, so long as their targets are convinced and trust them. Never lose sight of the situation: an engaging stranger who approaches you is still a stranger. You are not obligated to trust them, no matter what they say.
In order to make the interaction more appealing to their target, predators may give or offer the following rewards within a short period of time and without merit:
• Gifts (e.g., food, clothes, jewelry, electronics, vacations)
• Opportunities (e.g., scholarships, employment)
• Relationships (e.g., romantic partner, friend, mentor)
• Favors (e.g., drive you home, help you carry groceries to your car)
If the target accepts help or resources, they may feel "indebted" or obligated to comply with the predator’s intrusive behaviors that will follow.
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Whoever ignores "no" and tries to dissuade you, is trying to control you. This means your values, boundaries, and your best interests are not their priority.
Predators might negotiate your refusal by offering an alternative (e.g., “I can drive you to the street nearby and not all the way to your house”), but be aware that this offer can still compromise your safety (e.g., accepting a ride from a stranger still puts you in a confined space with them).
If the negotiation fails, they may challenge the target with insults in the hopes that the target will try to change their behavior to prove the stranger otherwise (e.g., “No need to be rude”, “You’re too paranoid”).
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When a stranger promises you something, they are trying to convince you of their intentions. But promises are not guarantees of future actions. If your safety is promised, it may still be at risk (e.g., "I promise to leave after I drop you off").
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If a person triggers your intuition, it's a sign to remain alert in case you need to leave or avoid them. Your gut feelings are meant to protect you. It's better to listen to your intuition and be wrong, than to ignore it and face a potential threat.
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Behaviors can range from common to unusual to unacceptable, which depend on personal perceptions on culture, values, and environment. Consider the following when around strangers:
• Inappropriate dress (e.g., wearing a winter coat even though it’s warm as this could mean they are concealing something)
• Displaying odd gestures or mannerisms (e.g., looking around nervously)
• A person loitering in an area where they aren’t supposed to be in
• A person paying too much attention to you or someone else (e.g., prolonged eye contact, or appearing in the same area as you multiple times)
“The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.”
R O B E R T S O N D A V I E S
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• de Becker, Gavin. "The Gift of Fear." Dell Publishing. 1998.
• Hanson, Jason. “Spy Secrets That Can Save Your Life: A Former CIA Officer Reveals Safety and Survival Techniques to Keep You and Your Family Protected.” TarcherPerigee. 2016.
• Larkin, Tim. "Survive the Unthinkable: A Total Guide to Women's Self-Protection." Rodale Books. 2013.
• Miller, Rory. "Meditations on Violence." YMAA Publishing Centre. 2008.
—-. “Conflict Communication: A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication.” YMAA Publishing Centre. 2015.
