Beliefs and Biases
Beliefs are powerful; they influence how we live, behave, and relate to others. But sometimes our beliefs work against us, and worse, serve the dangers that we are trying to avoid. What's important to address is that these behaviors and beliefs are not innate, but taught. Before infants (whether male or female) are conditioned to react otherwise, they will instinctively squirm, strike, scratch, push, yell, run or hide when they feel threatened (whether the person is a relative or stranger). It is only when children (especially girls) grow older, that they repress their instincts due to cultural norms that discourage boundary setting. Even if you may have been raised to comply with these beliefs, it’s never too late to unlearn them so you can readily protect yourself when necessary.
I. SELF-DEFENSE: MYTHS VS. REALITY
II. SOCIAL NORMS & BIASES
Predators rely on manipulating emotions and values to exploit their targets. In a potentially dangerous situation, it is important to be aware of personal biases that may cloud our judgment and hinder us from establishing boundaries or leaving a situation:
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One of the biggest deterrents to female self-defense is the belief that verbal and physical boundary setting and self-preservation are exclusive to and acceptable only for males. Societies with this belief discourage, ridicule, and even punish females for being assertive, even when it is necessary to protect themselves. Female compliance is found in the following cultural beliefs:
• Women and girls can cry but should not express anger (e.g., yelling, fighting back)
• Women and girls must be submissive, supportive of and dependent on men or anyone in a position of power (e.g., always be polite, never say “no”)
• Women and girls are responsible for the emotional stability in a relationship at all costs (e.g., endure toxic and dangerous relationships to avoid conflict)
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Affect heuristic is when you rely on an emotional response to make a decision. If you feel good or excited about something, you’ll assume it will be beneficial. The same is true with the reverse, if you feel greater unease or discomfort about something you’ll assume it is disadvantageous (or dangerous).
e.g., Binge-drinking with friends at a party sounds like a good idea because the excitement of spending time with them is greater than the fear of being vulnerable to predatory partygoers.
Note that affect heuristic greatly works in favor of “charm” predators, who strategically seduce a target by providing or promising positive changes to their lives (e.g., job offer, new relationship).
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Recency bias is the tendency to assume that trends and patterns are likely to continue despite the possibility that events are unpredictable and beyond your control.
e.g., Everytime you’ve gone out with friends at the bar, no one has been assaulted, therefore no one is at risk in any future parties.
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Even if ostriches don’t bury their hand in the sand, it is still a popular metaphor for denial. The ostrich effect is when you refuse to acknowledge negative information, even if it can be potentially dangerous or inconvenient.
e.g. ignoring intuition, or red flag behaviors
III. POWER DYNAMICS
Aside from personal and cultural beliefs, the universal human desire to belong (and be liked) can impede resisting invasive behavior especially when there is an imbalance of power between the target and the perpetrator.
Perceived Power: how much authority the person has over you (eg. Your new boss has more authority, while a colleague has little/no authority)
Familiarity: how well you know the person (eg. You’re less familiar with a new boss but more or very familiar with a colleague)
The graph above shows the spectrum of relationships/power dynamics between people and how they can affect our comfort level to set boundaries. If there is a significant difference between the target and perpetrator’s level of power, a target may be more likely to accept or endure intrusive behaviors. Using the example in the graph above, you might be more comfortable addressing a close colleague’s behavior over a new boss’ behavior as the boss is in a position of power. But the reverse can be true, and it may be more uncomfortable to set boundaries with a close friend over a new boss because you are more invested in maintaining peace in an established relationship. It is common for targets to fear setting boundaries due to potential consequences, which can range from:
• The perpetrator becomes physically or verbally aggressive
• The perpetrator manipulates the public’s perception of the target (e.g., spreading gossip or exposing a private matter)
• The perpetrator threatens to or compromises your work/school opportunities (e.g., firing/demoting you at work, or expelling you from a team)
Note that these responses and consequences do not reflect your value as a person; these tactics are meant to manipulate, pressure, and scare you into compliance. Although it is a common (and toxic) belief that our self-worth is tied to the perception of others, it is important to remember that no opinion of you, status or relationship is worth more than your safety. Your boundaries have equal value regardless of who you need to address them with. It is harder (but just as important) to set boundaries with anyone regardless of their level of authority or familiarity.
“Daring to set boundaries means having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
B R E N E B R O W N
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• Hanson, Jason. “Spy Secrets That Can Save Your Life: A Former CIA Officer Reveals Safety and Survival Techniques to Keep You and Your Family Protected.” TarcherPerigee. 2016.
• Miller, Rory. “Conflict Communication: A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication.” YMAA Publishing Centre. 2015.
• Murphy, Kylie A. "Girls at Risk of Chronic Partner Abuse: Assertive Tendency, Warning Signs, Risk Sensitivity, and Self-Confidence." Journal of Relationships Research. Vol. 2. 2011.
• Snortland, Ellen. "Beauty Bites the Beast: The Missing Conversation About Ending Violence." B3 Books. 2016.
• Snyder, Rachel Louise. “No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us.” Bloomsbury Publishing. 2019.
• Sochting, Ingrid, Fairbrother, N., & Koch, W. J. “Sexual Assault of Women: Prevention Efforts and Risk Factors.” Violence Against Women, Vol. 10. 2004.
• Warshaw, Robin. "I Never Called it Rape." Harper Perennial. 2019.
