If a Survivor Confides in You
Given the severity of the assault's effects on the survivor, it is important to support them with empathy and patience.
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Find someplace private to talk, without any distractions or interruptions. Listen without judgment, no matter how the survivor expresses themselves (e.g., calm, emotional, nervous, or hysterical). Trauma affects people differently; never dismiss a survivor's retelling because of their initial reaction or emotional state.
• Remain calm and control your reactions (e.g., agitated body language or facial expressions may trigger the survivor)
• Avoid interrupting and avoid defining what happened for them: let them speak at their own pace
• Try to calm them down if they're agitated
• Ask permission before touching (e.g., hugs, hand holding, kisses), as survivors may not want to be touched or held after an attack
• Do not promise things you can’t control (e.g., “I will make him go to prison for what he did”)
• Treat everything they share as confidential unless it requires mandatory reporting
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Avoid implying blame or minimizing the incident (e.g., "Why didn’t you fight back?", “You shouldn’t have gone out”, “I can’t imagine him doing that”, “How did you let this happen?”). Only the perpetrator is responsible for choosing to abuse or attack, the survivor does not choose to be attacked and may not have been able to do what they wanted or needed to escape (recall the unconscious conflict responses). Judging survivors for not being able to defend themselves, or telling them they should “know better” is harmful and puts them at risk of being re-traumatized.
If the survivors excuses the assailant's behavior, or blames themselves, let them talk out their feelings but remind them they are not to blame.
If the attacker is a non-stranger to the survivor, do not confront them as this may result in greater violence and may endanger you and the survivor, especially if they are still in contact with that person.
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Encourage the survivor to seek professional medical help as soon as possible, and be with them if you can when they visit the hospital or clinic. If the survivor needs somewhere to stay, provide a safe place for the survivor to rest. Keep an eye on them as symptoms of injury or trauma can manifest themselves hours, days, weeks even months after the incident.
Providing support also means helping them find the right services or resources to help them in any way that they need, as healing from trauma isn’t just about healing from physical injuries and there can be other complications with their assault.
If the perpetrator is not apprehended, be careful about what you post or avoid posting on social media details about the survivor as this elevates their risk of being stalked.
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The consequences of reporting an attack to the authorities and potentially making it public can negatively affect survivors if they are not prepared or aware. Share the processes and implications of each option, but do not force a choice on the survivor. Respect their agency to decide and be there for them even if you do not agree with their decision.
However, if the survivor is an underage child/minor, then the incident must be reported.
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You may notice changes in the survivor's behavior, given that the physical, psychological, and social effects of assault can be very difficult to process.
Understand that the survivor may no longer feel safe or comfortable with routine, or activities that were previously enjoyable, especially if it reminds them of the assault. Do your best to accommodate changes, such as avoiding topics or behaviors to prevent or minimize triggers for the survivor.
If the survivor has not already received professional medical help, encourage them to do so. Even after they receive professional help, do not expect or pressure the survivor to feel recovered or improve within a short or expected time: healing from trauma has no set deadline.
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Supporting survivors is not easy and you may experience loss of empathy and burnout caused by emotional and physical exhaustion. This can include the same symptoms of PTSD, an experience known as secondary traumatic stress disorder, or trauma experienced by those who hear the aftermath or witness a traumatic experience of another person. Secondary trauma occurs in people who work in trauma-exposed fields (e.g., law enforcement, first responders, therapists) and those who are deeply impacted by stories they hear on the news or social media, or had a survivor retell their experience to them (e.g., friend, family, partner).
While you continue to support the survivor and to let them know that they are not alone, get support for yourself. Your overall health and recovery throughout your loved one’s healing is just as important because you matter too.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘you’re not alone.’”
B R E N É B R O W N
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• Gilbert-Eliot, Trudy. “Healing Secondary Trauma: Proven Strategies for Caregivers and Professionals to Manage Stress, Anxiety, and Compassion Fatigue.” Rockridge Press. 2020.
• Hopper, Jim. "Why Many Rape Victims Don’t Fight or Yell." The Washington Post. June 2015.
• Marich, Jamie and Anna Pirkl. "Transforming Trauma with Jiu-Jitsu." North Atlantic Books. 2022.
• Warshaw, Robin. "I Never Called it Rape." Harper Perennial. 2019.
